A T B: 10 Things I'm Afraid to tell You

Before I began blogging I would compare my life to those online. Bloggers seem to have so much fun with their blogger friends, and their pictures were so pretty, their homes were glamorous and so on and so forth. I know how it feels to feel like you're missing out on all the action. I know how it feels to look at someone else's life and wish you lived that life.
People seem to lose touch with reality when viewing someones life online. They are only snap shots. Mainly of high moments and happy times. No one ever see's the fight, your struggle or sleepless nights. Mainly because...
Its not information the world is entitled to. I want to take this time to address something. Blogger/Vloggers/ and everyday people pick and choose what we want to tell the world. What people share online is only a portion of who they are. Just because people don't share everything, does not mean what what is shared is not real.

With that said, I don't know how you all are going to take the things I'm about to reveal about myself. What I want you to know out of all of this is that life isn't easy for anyone, even though it may look it sometimes. I want you to know that the grass is greener where you water it and that is exactly what I've done with my life. For once I am in a great place...but I fought to be here and I fought to be the woman I am today. Here are my 10 Things I'm Afraid to Tell You:

I want to write a book about my life but I am terrified of what my mother/siblings will think of it. It would mostly be about the neglect/abuse I experienced growing up in her home and how I used those experiences to become the woman I am today. She would hate me if I told all! Also, when I've confronted her in the past about things that were done to me, she either says she didn't do it or she doesn't remember such a thing. So I don't know how I could write something she will whole heartedly deny. My dad who was never around won't like how I speak of him as well. (I'm just starting to get somewhere with him after all this time. I don't want to mess it up.)
Out of all the things I've been though, being raped at the age of 17 by a youth leader in my church has to be event that broke, shaped and molded me into the strong woman I am. This is also how I lost my virginity.
#2 is the real reason why I moved away from my home in Seattle (outside of trying to get away from my mother). The guy that raped me told the other youth at my church that he had sex with me. I was sitting in the balcony and heard them whispering loudly about it and I ran out sobbing and crying. I tried to tell them what really happened but no one believed me and they still don't. They said that I probably wanted it or asked for it. So I moved away and I haven't really gone back much because of it.
I have a hard time making friends. Believe it or not...LOL Its crazy because I'm very social and I LOVE being around people. When it comes to building friendships I get lost. I'm just getting the hang of this thing at the tender age of 26. I don't know how to have small talk. I could never participate in "funny childhood story" conversations or "where were you when you lost your v card" stories. You know...girl talk. I have a depressing story for every moment in your teen life thats supposed to be monumental. Eventually, I started lying about my life...my parents...just so I would not be the downer in the room. I still do this to this day, but I try not to.
I'm a Seventh Day Adventist...well Sabbath Keeping Christian. So in a nutshell, my day of worship is on Saturday and I (shouldn't) work from sunset Friday to sunset Saturday. In the industry I'm in, this is such a struggle. Recently during my quiet time with God, I asked him to help me trust Him more so I don't feel the need to work on my day of worship. This was truly put to the test while my husband was sick. I was financially responsible for my family and never turned down a dollar.
My husbands illness almost broke me and I still fear losing him. If he complains of any tingling, aches or pains...I freak out and its almost too much to bare...but I have to be strong for us both...and I WILL BE! Cause I'm a "G' lol
My children saved my life in 2014. Seeing their faces everyday gave me a reason to live. Without them, I wouldn't have made it though the year.
I use to be very transparent but now I'm not. Meaning...talking about my life/past didn't bother me so much nor what people thought about it. Now that I have a family, I'm very cautions of what I tell people about anything. I am very protective over my family, my husband and I will pounce on anyone who even looks like they are thinking about doing something sideways.
I talked about this for a bit in my blog post For the Dreamers. After I had my son Noah my husband and I both lost our jobs along with everything we owned. Apartment, car...you name it. We lost it. Right when we were getting back on our feet my husband got sick and we lost everything again when we had to move to Connecticut for his treatment at Yale. BUT GOD! FINALLY...all is well in the world. We are actually getting ready to move into our new place at the end of February and I can not wait. I have an entire room just to take clients, record Makeup tutorials and take lovely blog photos. I could cry I'm so excited.
I'm still finding my place in the beauty world. To be honest with you, I'm still trying to figure out what I want in life. This year I may be taking a back seat in doing makeup. My husband got a new job and I will need to be home more with my kids. So this is one reason why I made a separate Instagram for my blog since that will be what I'll mostly have time for. This year I'll be doing what I can from home...hope you all don't mind. :)

Deep sigh. Let me tell you...my hands are shaking like crazy typing this. I'm totally afraid of what you all will say or think. I'm afraid of what my friends will say or thing who may be reading this from Seattle. Its a lot. What I want you to take from all this is that nobody's life is perfect. No one is trying to make it seem that way. What you see on Instagram not only on my page but other blogger and vloggers ...is work and it has nothing to do with their personal life. I also hope that you see how God could take a young girl like me from growing up in an abusive home, broken..and raped...and turn her into a beautiful, confident...Woman, Wife, Mother of Two and business woman. If you told me or people who knew me that I would grace essence.com and work with client's like Angie Stone...we'd all laugh. I wouldn't believe it...and sometimes I look back smile and laugh at all the Devil's attempts to take me out.

10 Things I'm Afraid to tell You

Hello Beauties!